A Self-Negating Essay on... Me

My deepest fear is that I am inadequate, and so I tend to set high standards for myself. Lately, however, I’m starting to see through that and recognize it when I do it. Sometimes. Because while it’s true that I do recognize it more often and in that way I’m being liberated from it one step at a time, it’s also true that I’ve moved to level two in setting high standards for myself by having read about Enlightenment. Thanks a lot, Ken! So let me go back a few steps and tell you a little bit about my attitude towards me. I’ll just give the word to my habitual self, who can tell you all about me. “Hi. I’m Diederick’s habitual self. Over the past twenty-four years, I’ve come to know Diederick as a pretty ok guy. He’s quite smart and he’s got a good sense of humour. At the same time, he’s not as good-looking as I would’ve liked (I mean, I’ve had to stick with this guy for a quarter century with much more to go, and I have to look at him every day), but then again, he’s got some other things going for him. He listens well and he can be pretty sensitive to others’ needs. “Nevertheless, there’s one thing I’m not at all happy about. You could say it’s his weakest spot – as far as I know. If you really drill down into the guy and have a look at his inner workings, you’ll find out what he’s trying to hide so desperately. We’re having a good talk here, and I know you can be trusted with this, so let me spare you the effort of finding this out for yourself by telling you. “Diederick is really a very lazy, weak person. There, I’ve said it. You’re surprised, I can see that. It’s not all that obvious, but it’s true. And the reason it’s not obvious is... me! I’m sticking out for the guy and making sure he deals with it. If it weren’t for me, the guy wouldn’t even get out of bed in the morning! And even though he’s got me yelling at him and telling him to get his lazy white ass out of bed, it’s still a big, nasty battle day after day. “It tires me, I can tell you, but he needs me so I stick around. I have a heart of gold, even if I do say so myself (he never does, the ungrateful bugger). Anyway, he gets out of bed, but that’s not the end of it. Then I have to tell him to have breakfast properly, to brush his teeth (he often doesn’t do that in the morning – and it shows). Clean up your dishes after you, shave, pack lunch so you won’t have to spend five euro’s buying some, don’t take the underground – walking is much healthier, and cheaper too. “I think you get the idea, so I’ll stop there, even though I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of what I need to tell him to do. Generally speaking, if I don’t set the standards for him, tell him what to do, how much to achieve in a given day, then it doesn’t happen. He just doesn’t do it! And so I often need to threaten him, too. Not that I like it, but he’s asking for it. So I tell him what’ll happen if he doesn’t do this, what people will say if he doesn’t finish that, how disappointed I will be if he doesn’t live up to my expectations of him.” That’s about enough for now, Mr. Habitual Self! It’s really not true you know, that I’m weak and lazy at heart. But I seem to have gotten that idea while I was growing up and I believe it most of the time. Fortunately, and with much help of my girlfriend, I’ve started seeing through me and recognize the pattern. So a lot of the time, I catch myself doing it, while I’m doing it. And as soon as I see me act on that belief, it loses 99% of its power over me. I suppose it’s because that which is seeing it doesn’t believe I’m weak and lazy. Deep down – even deeper than this belief is, and that’s saying something – I just know it’s not true. So I’m improving, and my meditation practice is helping me be more aware of what’s going on inside of me, so there’s definitely a whole lot less battles going on inside of me. In fact, I was just hoping I could hand my current habitual self his resignation letter and appoint myself the new habitual self, when I caught me at it again. Again, I find myself caught up in the belief that deep down, I’m inadequate, that it’s not enough. Only this time, the belief has upgraded itself to level two. And I know who to thank for that. It’s someone you may know. Ken Wilber, a.k.a. the big bald guy. Don’t get me wrong, I love his writing and it’s had the most profound impact upon me for the past few years. But that’s where the trouble is, too. They say that one of the most important things in this life is to hear about the possibility of Enlightenment, of a way out, of stepping off the wheel altogether by recognizing what you truly are and always have been – not this, not that, nothing, all of it, ‘just this’. Anyway, that’s not what this is about. If you want to know more about that, I suggest you check out Wilber, or books on buddhism, or sufism, or mystic christianity, or whatever. The point is, that now that Ken told me about Enlightenment, my belief that I’m secretly inadequate and weak has just been boosted to the next level. Although I can deal with the level one belief pretty well now, by recognizing it and choosing not to act on it, this second level is a lot more subtle. Basically, it means that even if I live a great life, I brush my teeth, turn my passion into my work, be all I can be and read all the philosophical classics, too... it’s still wholly inadequate, it’s a big illusion, it’s not enough. ‘Cause there will still be this ‘me’ thinking about what a great life he’s having, brushing his teeth, working, reading, loving, being. But, as Wei Wu Wei so rudely, yet skillfully points out: Why are you unhappy? Because 99.9% of what you think, and everything you do, is for your self. And there isn’t one. The thing is, I believe this is true. And I’m starting to commit myself to find out. What else can you do?! So there you have it. After seeing through the belief of inadequacy and starting to outgrow the need to set high standards for myself, I have now set the very highest standard you could possibly think of for myself. Which is, paradoxically, to get rid of that same self. It can’t be right. But I sure as hell believe it. Often. So when do I not believe this? In two ways, one of which I hope will ‘solve’ this problem for me, ‘cause as I pointed out, I don’t think this ‘next level’ belief of inadequacy is entirely healthy (the basic point may be, but not the way I’m handling it). The first way of not believing this is by going completely mental and not seeing any way out. Chaos, suffering, stuckness. The second way of not believing is different, although it sometimes follows from (as in, comes after) the previous one. Big breath, and all of a sudden it’s clear again. Just running around in my monkey mind, making up ways of driving me crazy. This is the way of acceptance, of seeing things as they are and seeing through them. If I were given the choice, I’d go with this one. Much better. But I’m not given the choice, and it often takes me days of chaos before I see through it all again and rest in being, breathing in, breathing out. So, what to do? How do I help me? I guess I just do what I’m doing right now. Do your things, meditate, write this stuff down, talk to friends, meditate some more, and watch the play. Lovely.